Relational Agency

In case anyone missed it, let’s quickly recap our definition of agency and then we’ll jump right into today’s workshop. In a blog by Pattison Professional Counseling and Mediation Center, agency is defined as: “The sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations. Your sense of agency helps you to be psychologically stable, yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.” For our discussions, agency rests on the principles of faith, control and influence. The key to agency then, is a sense of self-control, a desire to influence and trust in faith.

What do we mean by relational agency? Relational agency not only influences the relationships that you have with others but also the relationship you have with yourself – in relationship to others. Through relational agency, we get the confidence to establish and reinforce relationship boundaries — without guilt or fear. Relationship agency reflects what we believe about ourselves, how we deserve to be treated and how we show up in our relationships.

A strong relational agency is not easy to uphold — at least not without strong conviction and trust in faith.  Out of the three agencies that we’ve discussed this week, relational agency represents and reflects the health of our other agencies — spiritual and emotional.

I have the privilege of working with victims and survivors of domestic abuse. I say privilege because I am a survivor of childhood abuse by proxy. My mother and I endured horrific abuse for nearly two decades and that experience compels me to serve victims and survivors of domestic abuse unapologetically and with excellence. Domestic abuse reveals perhaps some of the most predatory, dysfunctional and insidious relational behavior.

Nobody signs up to be abused. Nobody says “I Do” with the thought or belief that they are being inducted into an abusive nightmare. Yet, hundreds of thousands of individuals find themselves in a relationship with their worst nightmare. 

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of (some form of) physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.
• 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

In addition to domestic abuse, countless individuals suffer abuse, neglect and maltreatment at the hands of friends, family and even their church. In all instances of abuse, it’s not a relationship problem, it’s a behavioral problem inflicted on the victim. Relationship does not and cannot fix abuse, abuse can only be fixed by the perpetrator. How does this relate to our discussion today? 

In theory, according to an article by Anne Edwards and Caren D’arc, relational agency is defined as a capacity to engage with the dispositions of others [a person’s inherent qualities of mind and character] in order to interpret and act on the object of our actions in enhanced ways. What’s important to note is that relational agency isn’t just how we engage and manage relationships with others but also how we engage and manage relationship with ourselves.

The bible tells us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). What’s important about this scripture is that it tells us that relationship with self, or whatever is in our heart, flows from us. In other words, how we treat others reflects the condition of our heart. Unless we engage, interpret and manage unhealthy conditions within ourselves, that unhealthy or negative disposition will flow from us. If you’ve been abused, mistreated, neglected or betrayed by someone who you love, rest assured, they were in a toxic, unhealthy relationship with themselves and their behavior reflected that.

When we think about relational agency in practice, we’re simply talking about how we relate to and interact with self and others so as to achieve or bring about the most favorable or positive outcomes. The three areas that we’re going to focus on for relational agency are: a sense of control, a desire to influence and trust in faith.

When it comes to relational agency, control doesn’t mean the control of others. Control relates to ourselves. In other words, the abuser’s behavior is beyond your control but your boundaries are within your control. Boundaries are one of the most important components of relational agency. Oftentimes, boundaries are confused with controlling others but boundaries control what we will and will not accept or tolerate from others. People have a right to behave however they choose but they don’t have a right to behave however they choose in your life. Relational agency respects the rights and the expectations of others, and it understands that relationships are based on mutual consent not obligation. 

Whether we’re talking about friends, family or an intimate partner, relational agency is your position concerning how you interact with others and how you expect others to interact with you. Some think relational agency is different for family than it is for friends, or different for family than it is for an intimate partner. No, it’s not. Listen to what Jesus said about his boundaries that support His relational agency: “Who is My mother, or My brothers?” And He looked around in a circle at those who sat about Him, and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother” (Mark 3:33-35). Jesus wasn’t controlling the behavior of others, Jesus was expressing His relational agency through boundaries that controlled His expectations for behavior for someone to be in a relationship with Him.

Did you notice that Jesus didn’t make a distinction between family and friends or even define relationship by titles? Did you notice that Jesus loved unconditionally but relationship was conditional? Conditioned upon what? Behavior that upholds and supports His relational agency. In other words, boundaries define the responsibilities that come with the privilege of you. No one has to accept or honor your boundaries or conditions for relationship, but they do if they want to be in a relationship with you. Why?

Because relationship with you is a reflection of you — your desire to influence and your trust in faith. Your desire to influence through relationship, for our discussion, relates to the desired effect or influence you want behavior to have in the relationships in your life. The bible tells us: “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Behavior influences — positively or negatively. Your behavior influences others and the behavior of others influences you. Boundaries tell others how you desire to influence their life and the behavior you won’t allow to influence your life.

Relational agency also reflects the trust we have in our faith — Who God says we are, what God says His plans for us are and the powerful potential that our inheritance assures us of. And our trust in faith gives us the confidence to support and reinforce our relational agency. It also gives us independence and freedom from people and opinions that don’t reflect our trust in our faith. 

When dealing with people, we are either looking in the mirror of our faith or we are walking away from our trust in our faith. Your faith says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). The operative words are, “If it is possible,” and, “As far as it depends on you.” In other words, you can only control your desire to be a positive influence in people’s life, you can’t control other people’s desire. As far as it depends on you, and your behavior, you can and will live at peace with the people in your life. However, it doesn’t just or always depend on you and your desire or behavior. Living at peace with someone also depends on their behavior agreeing with the boundaries that you have established for your life based on your trust in your faith, and your desire to influence and be influenced by positive behavior.

If you deal with someone contrary to the boundaries you’ve established for your life, you’re effectively walking away from your relationship with yourself and your trust in your faith. The bible says: “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do” (James 1:23-25). Let’s apply this…your trust in your faith is based on the word of God about you and for you. It’s your truth and the foundation for your boundaries. 

A relationship with anybody — or the behavior that we tolerate or allow in our life, effectively tells us whether we’ve looked into the mirror of our truth and remembered who and Whose we are or, forgetting who and Whose we are, we’ve walked away from our truth. Relational agency honors who our truth says we are and refuses to walk away from that truth to be in a relationship with anybody — We are God dependent, not people dependent.

For many, the hardest relationships to apply relational agency to are family members and intimate partners. Outside of relationship with self, these relationships often come with expectations and beliefs that are untrue, or we’ve been conditioned to believe certain things about these relationships that are untrue. A mother or father is not dishonored by boundaries, any more than an intimate partner is. But because of conditioning, it’s hard to stand in relational agency and apply Jesus’ boundaries to the people we love: “Who is My mother, or My brothers?” And He looked around in a circle at those who sat about Him, and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother” (Mark 3:33-35). 

Despite the fact that the bible gives us relationship boundaries for intimate partners (Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:7; Colossians 3:19), parents (Ephesians 6:4), and anybody in our life (Matthew 7:6; Titus 3:10-11; 2 Timothy 3:1-5), we’re not conditioned to trust our faith over our feelings when it comes to close relationships in our life. Relational agency has to be aligned with our spiritual agency and our emotional agency to confidently apply boundaries to any and all relationships. Based on Jesus’ example, relationship is not based on DNA or titles, relationship is based on behavior that honors, respects and reciprocates love, and reflects the relationship we have with ourselves and our truth. That lays the foundation for how we treat others and how we expect to be treated. It also gives us the assurance that no relationship is worth walking away from our truth. Relational agency embraces the truth that unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance. Tolerance is not love, it’s accepting the unacceptable…and a relationship that agrees with your relational agency does not force or require toleration of unacceptable behavior. And when a relationship reaches a point or stage that tolerating the unacceptable is required, that’s not love.

Patrick

I’m prayerful that you have been blessed by this Thriver Series. Also, for those who would like to support our abuse advocacy initiative, The Exodus Project, that helps victims of domestic abuse find hope, healing and freedom, you can visit our the main menu > Resources > PWM Vision Partner.