Why Me, Why This: The Intersection of BPO and Faith

As someone who has struggled with the illusion of perfectionism for a great deal of my life, being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder was a devastating blow. At first, I tried my best to carry on as if I was fine, taking my medication and forging ahead.

Eventually, the truth caught up with me and I was faced with the fact that I hated myself. For years I struggled with feelings of unworthiness and the belief that I was unlovable due to the behavior of others and their treatment of me. By God’s grace, I worked through the weight of those misconceptions. But this? Why would God create me with such a weakness? Had I not suffered enough?

The familiar feeling of anger surged through me once again, but this time my extended family was not the target: God was. I raged at God, yelled at Him for creating me this way, questioned my own existence, mistrusted Him for allowing this diagnosis…until I finally collapsed, exhausted from the toll of it all.

I always prided myself on my ability to face obstacles head-on and my resilience to get back up after making mistakes. But this sentence I could not bear. This fight was one I could never win. No matter how hard I fought, there would be no end to this battle.

Before you can learn to manage this illness, you must first accept it. I had to transition my anger at God for forming me this way into acknowledgment that He gave me this thorn for a purpose. I had to shift my perspective from “Why would you make me this way?” to “Why did you make me this way?”

“And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28)

Before I was able to embrace who I am as a person, I had to understand who I am in Christ. The combined approach of rooting myself in Scripture and working with a psychologist to understand my diagnosis is what brought me to a place of acceptance. In hindsight, I see how my previous familial struggles prepared me for this one. The journey was a raw, humbling experience that became a literal fight to choose life over death on multiple occasions.

Ultimately, this path brought me to an awakening of self-discovery where I am excavating my authentic self. Had I not previously shed the layers of others’ impressions of me, I would not be able or willing to honestly assess myself. Now, instead of asking God, “Why me?” I ask Him, “Why not me?”

“My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:15-16)

Do not misunderstand me: I did not read this passage and POOF! all my struggles disappeared. Submitting my life to God is a daily task. I read and reread His word as needed. I pray frequently. I attend church when my work schedule allows. I still work with a counselor. I use an entire toolbox of practical skills to manage myself. I diligently take my prescribed medication. No matter my efforts, there is no cure for what I have.

I am still a human who still fumbles and falls short. No matter how well I manage myself or how strong my faith feels, there will be days when my disorder overwhelms me. No amount of skills I have learned can change that fact. Only God alone can help me navigate these moments; I will not find rest or peace anywhere but in Him. I know from personal experience that nothing on this earth can fill the void in my heart but God. I am forever grateful He is by my side watching over me.

Carley Dangona