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Exodus Project Blog, He Walks With Me Blog

Co-Parenting Warfare With A Narcissist

Posted on by Patrick Weaver
If surviving an abusive relationship isn’t enough, co-parenting with an abusive ex can be a nightmare in and of itself.  Co-parenting with the narcissistic, predatory or toxic co-parent can be best described as counter-parenting, and is often used as an opportunity for the abuser to continue their reign of terror.
 
This can present a dual battle for the survivor…trauma recovery and “Trauma Parenting.” Trauma Parenting is the result of a traumatized survivor being repeatedly retraumatized with every interaction with the counter-parent. The survivor has to somehow figure out a way to co-parent with an unchanged, unrepentant, still as destructive as ever, “Narco-parent” — the narcissistic counter-parent, while simultaneously heal from raw, traumatized emotions — caused by the same person.
 
And if that isn’t difficult enough, many survivors have the unfortunate displeasure of discovering that blind justice, while beneficial, can have blind spots. In fairness to the courts, without a paper trail, the abuser is innocent until proven guilty. This means that no matter what happened behind closed doors or what the truth might be, unless the abusers history is documented and supported with court approved evidence, blind justice will have a hard time seeing your case clearly. But we know that there are many cases where evidence was provided and the courts errored — to the disadvantage of the victim and the children. Planning ahead and anticipating the abusers attempt to manipulate blind justice is critical.
 
Narco-parents have been known to not only manipulate the courts but also turn the courts against the victim…and in some cases, even dupe the court into believing the victim is the abuser/unfit parent — resulting in physical custody being granted to the abuser. In the article, UCLA WOMEN’S LAW JOURNAL [Vol. 24.41], “How Domestic Violence Batterers Use Custody Proceedings in Family Courts to Abuse Victims, and How Courts Can Put a Stop to It, author Emmaline Campbell provides an insightful and comprehensive look at the tactics narco-parents use to manipulate the court system and, “take advantage of custody proceedings in family court to continue to abuse their victims.” A survivor must be prepared for the tricks and traps of the cunning, crafty abuser who, as Campbell states, “uses the court and the legal system as a tool of abuse.” 
 
Daily interactions with a narco-parent are about one thing…FUEL. The narco-parent needs fuel for their fragile ego and will use every opportunity and anybody, including the children, to manipulate, control and bully. Mind games, toxic amnesia, trash talking about the victim to the children, last minute schedule changes, trying to turn the children against the victim with malicious lies, breaking agreements, no-shows, gaslighting, blame shifting, are just a few of the warfare tactics used by the narco-parent to get fuel from you.
 
Expecting normal or remaining emotionally available for the narco-parent’s manipulative behavior is not optional. It would be nice if things were different but they’re not. As emotionally upsetting and hurtful as their behavior is, for the kids sake, embrace 1 Peter 5:8: “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” You must remain cleareyed and emotionally unavailable for foolishness to cut off the narco-parents fuel supply. Must.
 

God sees which of you are for the child. The bible tells us that there were two parents who King Solomon was asked to decide which one was the rightful parent of a child. In order to get to the bottom of the dispute, King Solomon ordered the child to be cut in half (knowing the true parent would never allow for such a solution). Sure enough, when King Solomon ordered the baby to be cut in half, the parent of the child cried out, “Please don’t kill my son, Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.” The other woman shouted, “Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.” King Solomon said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.” (1 Kings 3:16-28). Just like King Solomon, God is a wise judge, and He knows when a parent does not have the child’s best interests at heart.

 
In their book Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce, authors Gaies and Morris identify three types of co-parenting relationships: Cooperative Co-Parenting, Parallel Co-Parenting, and Encapsulated Co-Parenting. Basically, cooperative co-parenting is the ideal situation. Both parents put the child’s needs above their own, and put aside any personal differences to ensure that the children are raised in such a way that as adults, they do not have to recover from their childhood. This of course is not the narco-parents style of co-parenting. Encapsulated Co-Parenting, or high conflict, combative, sabotaging co-parenting, is the narco-parents style of co-parenting. High conflict co-parenting is the most damaging to a child and potentially will send the child into adulthood with the baggage of childhood trauma — which will make them a prime target for an intimate partner predator.
 
Parallel Co-parenting is another way of saying, “separate but equal parenting.” Parallel Co-parents, either voluntarily or involuntarily, remove themselves from unnecessary interactions. They only deal with each other on an as needed basis, and communicate only when absolutely necessary for major agreements or scheduling. Parallel Co-parents allow each other to parent without the involvement of the other when the child is in their respective homes, they do not come together for birthday’s or jointly participate in any activities. Basically, Parallel Co-parents minimize conflict through minimal interaction.
 
Whether you agree to or require Parallel Co-parenting or some version of limited contact co-parenting, the goal is to prevent the children, to the extent possible, from being trauma trained by toxic behavior.
 
You cannot control another person but you can control how you respond. Three keys for dealing with a toxic, narcissistic co-parent are:  Acknowledge, Cut and Plan.
 
 

THREE KEYS

1) Acknowledge Them For Who They Are. It is what it is. And as long as the narco-parent refuses to change, call it what it is. A narco-parent’s inflated sense of importance, excessive need for attention and their fundamental lack of empathy is diametrically opposed to healthy, positive co-parenting. Acknowledgement does not mean condemnation, it means, “You will know them by their fruit” (Matthew 7:17-20). Pray for them, turn them over to God, but do not confuse prayer with toleration.
 
The bible said, “…Resist the devil and he will flee from you” (James 4:7), and that includes willfully destructive co-parents. Don’t get fooled into believing that a temporary recesses between their hell or their faux apology means they’ve permanently changed. Change is proven not spoken. Acknowledging their truth will keep you sober minded. You must be sober minded about who you’re dealing with and their tactics to cut off their fuel supply.
 

2) Cut Off Their Fuel. The narco-parent’s fragile ego, extreme insecurity and need to feel superior to others, requires fuel. A rise out of you or the ability to emotionally control you is exactly the fuel the narco-parent is looking for. Take fuel off the table — disconnect emotions from your narco-parent and remind yourself that their silliness, tantrums and bullying tactics are the tricks of their trade. Being able to bully your emotions is the fuel they crave. It takes practice but keeping your emotions out of the reach of a narco-parent cuts off their fuel supply, and is one of the most powerful steps you can take to defuse a narco-parent. 

 
Maintain firm boundaries. The bible tells us to, “Above all else, guard our heart…” (Proverbs 4:23). This is never more true, never more necessary to master than when dealing with someone who intentionally, willfully and purposefully tries to attack your heart. Don’t fight back by burning down your emotional house to get back at them, fight back by setting and keeping firm boundaries, and cutting off their fuel supply — their ability to control your emotions, peace, thoughts and attitude. See their behavior for what it is — a desperate need for attention, control and superiority.
 
3) Plan With A Capital P. In the case of a high conflict, combative co-parenting relationship, in addition to acknowledging them for who they are and cutting off their fuel supply — not only from them but for your own sanity, plan ahead. Well ahead. The bible tells us, “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?” (Luke 14:28). Planning for and anticipating the narco-parent to be who they are is vital to your success and the health of your children. Planning can take on different forms, depending on the severity of the narco-parent’s behavior.
 
  • Know your legal rights. There are resources available for broad and specific support when dealing with a destructive co-parent. 
    • Local Domestic Violence Agencies — look up by State/County. Resource for temporary housing, protective orders, State/Federal funds for abuse victims, support services, and legal assistance
    • State/County Domestic Violence Resource Center (Online)
    • National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org
    • Tools for Accessing State Legal Resources through VAWnet, an online network focused on violence against women 
    • 211—a non-emergency referral service for statewide, nationwide, and community services. 211 covers all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico. To find out whether 211 services are offered in your area and to obtain more information, visit 211.org
    • National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma and  Mental Health, provides a list of National Domestic Violence Programs including legal support. Click Here for their list of National Domestic Violence Organizations
  • If at all possible, obtain a court ordered visitation plan. This is a basic but critical tool for minimizing conflict, confusion and games around visitation, custody and parental rights.
  • Understand Parental Alienation and your legal rights. Parental alienation is the words and/or conduct of one parent who recklessly or intentionally intends to harm or destroy the bond and relationship between the other parent and the child or children. A google search of Parental Alienation will provide laws and guidelines for proving Parental Alienation in your state/region.
  • Document everything. Appointments, agreements and schedules should be documented and confirmation sent in advance by text or email to the narco-parent.
  • Keep all communication focused on the children and discontinue conversations that go off the rails and down the hill of toxic foolishness.
  • Seek counseling early for children exposed to a toxic, destructive narco-parent.
  • Seek family counseling. While the average narco-parent is going to refuse, consider offering and consider attending alone if necessary. And as a note, family counseling with a neutral trained professional may exclude your church/pastor, and should if experience or neutrality is an issue.
  • Do not discuss the narco-parent with the intent to bash or turn children against them. Keep conversations/explanations with children age appropriate and healing in nature. Or else you could be accused of Parental Alienation.
  • Actively seek out and participate in online or in-person survivor support groups, and coaching. You are not alone and the journey can seem lonely or isolating without support.
  • Utilize one of many co-parenting apps like Talking Parents that provide built in tools for managing schedules, communicating — text and email, and even recording phone calls if necessary with a co-parent. This could come in handy if ever you have to go to court with a narco-parent. For a list of the top co-parenting apps, click here.
  • In extremely toxic and destructive co-parenting situations, you can consider a guardian ad litem (GAL). GAL is a court appointed (neutral) person, usually an attorney, who looks out for the “best interest of a child.” You can request that one be appointed. The GAL familiarizes themselves with your child’s living situation and serves as the child’s advocate to make recommendations to the court regarding the child’s needs. This can include but not limited to,  modified visitations or how much contact a child should have with a parent.
  • Self-care is key to your welfare. Give yourself the gift of breaks, release, self-investment. Take advantage of every opportunity to take off the co-parenting hat and relax your mind, rejuvenate, and repair. Whether with friends, self or therapy, or all of the above, take care of your mental health.

As exhausting and frustrating as co-parenting with a combative, toxic, destructive co-parent can be, remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the kids. Yes, you are the one having to put up with the foolishness and be the grownup but you’re doing it for your children. Keep your eye on the prize — launching your child into adulthood without the need to recover from their childhood.

 

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